So, how do you FEEL?

Quite a few people have asked me this question.  I understand why.  It is a pretty big deal to be told you have breast cancer and then have a double mastectomy.  There are probably a lot of us who have thought some time or another that that would be a tough thing to have to face.  

Well, honestly, I am feeling strong, encouraged and positive.  And I have three big reasons why! 

1.  The first reason is that God has given me strength and courage and self-control.  And the result of that is PEACE!  I may not have control over my circumstances but I do have control over my thoughts and emotions.  Because my trust is in Him, I don't have to be overly concerned and worried about my life.  No matter what happens, I know that ultimately I'm going to be OK as long as He is with me.  And I know that He is!  Even if I have to suffer, I know that He will help me through it!  Even if I have to face death, I know that He will be with me every step of the way.  I must add that right now, thankfully, I am not suffering.  And I am not facing death.  I can only imagine how hard THAT would be!  But if I were, I know that His grace would see me through!  

If any of my friends are reading this that doesn’t necessarily believe in the power of Jesus, I understand that this sounds like a bunch of over-spiritual nonsense to you.  But just take my word for it, it's a supernatural, yet very practical thing, and you only experience it when you open your heart and mind to Him! 

In God's Word we are taught to take our thoughts captive and guard our hearts and our minds. I have learned that what the devil wants is to keep us trapped by our emotions and negative thoughts and keep us weak, fearful, feeling sorry for ourselves, and full of worry!  But I know that I don't have to live that way!  So I make the effort and the choice not to wallow in all the what-if's; not to dwell on all the things that can go wrong; and not to feel sorry for myself.  I choose to constantly remind myself and be thankful that I already have what is most important.  And once you truly realize what you have in Him, your future is secure and the fear of the unknown doesn't have the same hold on you as it once did.

2.  The second reason is because of the way God made me.  Because of my temperament I usually look at things from a practical perspective more than an emotional one.  Don't get me wrong, I am emotional about a lot of things, but I usually face challenges and decisions from a more practical perspective.  I can be a real crybaby sometimes too but when I am, I usually just need to have a good cry and that helps me to get over it, whatever "it" happens to be at the time.  I am usually able to process things and not let them overwhelm me.  I have noticed however, that sometimes it requires making a conscience effort to get to that point.

So, is it a bummer to have to have a mastectomy?  Yeah!  But it's not the end of the world and there are definitely worse things that could happen!  

3.  And the third big reason why I can honestly say that I am doing so well is because of my husband!  Before the surgery I tried to prepare him with the reality of what was going to happen.  I showed him worst-case scenario photos and gave detailed descriptions.  Throughout the whole thing I have seen that Jorge's biggest concern is that I am healthy and alive. He is a man like many others and I'm sure it hasn't been easy for him, but he hasn't wavered!  He has been calm, matter-of-fact, and uncomplicated.  Seeing his strength has helped me to relax about the final outcome.

Having said all that, do you remember the part about "having a good cry"?  Well, I did just that one night right before the surgery when I cried myself to sleep!  You might be surprised to hear what the most difficult part was for me, emotionally speaking.  That night as I cried, Jorge asked me if I was afraid about the surgery.  I said, "No, I'm not afraid.  I'm just sad.  All my life I dreamed of becoming a mother, giving birth and breastfeeding my baby.  Now, what little bit of hope that was left in me to someday be able to do that now dies once and for all with this surgery."  

Jorge and I have dealt with the issue of childlessness for years now and the Lord long ago brought us to a place of peace about that.  It's not something that I dwell on anymore.  I have chosen to trust that God has my best interest at heart and if He has allowed me to walk through the heartbreak of childlessness then it is for a good purpose.  I have learned to recognize, appreciate and even enjoy the positive side of childlessness.  Nevertheless, that was the hardest part for me, emotionally.  It forced me to re-live the heartbreak, disappointment and death of that dream.  I had to have a good long cry to get that one out of my system.  I imagine that it will be something that I will always have to deal with, on some level, this side of Heaven.

I still have moments here and there when that sadness hits me but they are fleeting moments that come and go pretty quickly.  It's not something I am struggling with and I don't dwell on it.  It's just part of life now.  And in all honesty, I think a lot of those moments happen due to fluctuating hormones!  Do I hear an "Amen" to that one, girlfriends?  

OK so this is a little embarrassing to share, especially with my male readers, but for the sake of transparency, I'll just pretend I'm talking to my girlfriends out there when I share this:  One other thing that I noticed in this whole process is that I had never realized or appreciated how cute and perky my boobs were until the last few weeks and months before the surgery!  Before, I had mostly noticed their defects and what I didn't like about them.  But facing a mastectomy shined a whole new light on them!  All of the sudden they were beautiful and just right!  Isn't it a shame that we are like that?  So often in life we don't appreciate something or someone until we don't have them anymore!  I was sad and disappointed that now that I finally really liked them, I would have to forfeit them.  So, take my advice, girlfriends...love and appreciate them while you have them!

I really have appreciated the fact that people have shown concern for how I am doing emotionally and not just physically.  It means a lot to have people in my life who care about me and are sensitive to the fact that what I am going through is not easy.  So thank you so much for caring and for those of you who have specifically prayed for me in this area, well, God is answering your prayer!!

Casting All My Cares

For a while now I have been considering the idea of sharing some of my personal journal ponderings.  In fact, you might have noticed that over the last couple of months I have been dipping my feet in and testing the waters.

I've hesitated for a long time because of the obvious.  Do I really want to put my heart out there so that some "well-meaning" person can take the things I say the wrong way and judge me or use them against me?  That is the risk you take anytime you open your heart to another human being.

And as silly as it may be, I dread hearing from the Grammar Nazi's out there about all of my grammatical mistakes and errors in punctuation!  Don't get me wrong, I love my Grammar Nazi friends, but I've seen enough heartless hashing on Facebook to make me cringe.

Nevertheless, I have felt the nudge to just take the plunge.  I've had some family and friends encourage me and have even felt that God was prodding me.  But last night was the clincher.  I was lying in bed listening to a podcast by Shauna Niequist and when she said it, "Your story must be told", I knew God was talking to ME!

So here I am today, letting you know that if you are interested in following my journal writings, I won't be sharing them here on this blog anymore.  I'll be sharing them on a new personal blog I've started and named Casting All My Cares.  I'll still post the normal, every-day life stuff here on Keepin' up with the Silvas so keep coming by to check in on us!  By the way, if you've ever wondered if I named this blog after Keeping up with the Kardashians... NO!!!!!  NOOOOO!!!  I didn't!!  They came on the scene about a year after Keepin' up with the Silvas.  I promise!  I just wanted to clear that up!  :)

Where the Rubber Hits the Road

(Another journal entry from the archives.)

It's incredible how hard you have to fight; how brutal you have to be against your own will, your flesh, opinions and feelings.  Retraining the mind and the flesh to follow God - His Word - His Ways... to keep a humble heart even when your enemy is raising up against you.  The urge is strong to counter-attack and play by his rules... to defend self and point out wrongs.

Something so simple is where the rubber hits the road.  You want to express your feelings; you want to defend yourself and give your side of the story.  You want people to know how you've been wrongly accused, misrepresented, mistreated, judged and criticized.

But more than all that you want to be faithful to God and His Word and His Ways.  You are desperate to be different, not like before; not like the flesh entices you to be - all caught up in your feelings and racing thoughts.  It all comes down to that moment in time when you decide... to speak, to react, to defend, to accuse... instead of dying to self, humbling the heart, taking those thoughts captive, and closing the mouth until good things can come out.

That instant in time!  You want to unload on other humans who you feel will understand you and sympathize with you.  Is God not enough for you?  Do you not trust HIM to understand and sympathize and process with you?  He knows the whole truth anyway and He is impartial.  He is the only one who can't be poisoned by your spewing.  And He redirects you, your heart and mind, in the process.  He sets you on the Right Path of repentance and forgiveness and self-control.  Bare your soul to HIM.  Let HIM heal and correct you.

Breathe deep.  Look up at Jesus!  Use HIM as your role model, your guide, your example to follow.  Strive to please Him and honor Him.  Be gentle, patient, long-suffering, merciful, tenderhearted and true.  Let HIM make you and your circumstances new and glorious and Christ-honoring.

Teach me and help me, Lord... to keep my house - my heart and my mind and my mouth - clean, so that I can be useful to you.

Psalm 27:8 (AMP)

⁸ You have said, Seek My face [inquire for and require My presence as your vital need]. My heart says to You, Your face (Your presence), Lord, will I seek, inquire for, and require [of necessity and on the authority of Your Word].

Romans 13:14 (AMP)

¹⁴ But clothe yourself with the Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah), and make no provision for [indulging] the flesh [put a stop to thinking about the evil cravings of your physical nature] to [gratify its] desires (lusts).

Colossians 3:12 (AMP)

¹² Clothe yourselves therefore, as God’s own chosen ones (His own picked representatives), [who are] purified and holy and well-beloved [by God Himself, by putting on behavior marked by] tenderhearted pity and mercy, kind feeling, a lowly opinion of yourselves, gentle ways, [and] patience [which is tireless and long-suffering, and has the power to endure whatever comes, with good temper].

When God's Answers Aren't What We'd Hoped For

God always answers prayer.  But often His answers aren't what we had in mind when we prayed.

The other day I was reading Katie Davis' blog and she is telling the story of some recent heartbreaks she has lived through.  A dear friend was fighting for her life...fighting AIDS...and despite all the fighting and praying and believing, her friend died.  Here's a little excerpt:

"Some time last week in the too-early hours of the morning, I asked God why He allowed me to believe so strongly that Katherine would live when she wasn’t actually going to. I can usually get a pretty good sense for those things. It is hard for me to think that My Father saw me in my hope, He knew I was believing, and He simultaneously knew the ending. I think He answered that He gave me the grace to believe that she would live so that in her final days she would feel hope and high spirits all around her, so that she would feel that she was fought for and that she was worth the fight. She was worth it."

 It really rings true to me...that sometimes what seems like an unanswered prayer, is always, in some way, a God-answered prayer.  He sees the bigger picture.  He is eternity-minded.  Sometimes He answers "yes", sometimes it's a "no", and sometimes, it's somewhere in between.  And when He answers "no", it's His grace for us.  We don't easily see it that way, especially in the moment, but I've learned and continue to learn that His Grace comes in many different shapes and sizes.  Often in the shape of an "unanswered prayer".

Unless You Change And Become Like a Child...

  On May 25th our friends, Archie and Jessica Edenfield, from our Mercy Ships days, had to say goodbye to their 4 year old little boy, Silas, who went home to be with Jesus after fighting a cancer battle for about a year and half.  Silas was diagnosed with stage IV Hepatoblastoma, a rare liver cancer that affects about 1 in a million children in the United States each year.  You can learn more about Silas' story on his Facebook page: Praying for Silas .

Archie and Jessica asked their friends to share their own personal stories of how Silas' life touched them and what they may have learned in the process.  So, I've decided to share mine.  The following is from a journal entry I wrote on April 19th of this year:

Thinking about little Silas, on the brink of meeting Jesus face-to-face and my first thought is: "How fortunate and lucky (I don't really believe in "luck", it's just a word that comes in handy sometimes)  Silas is to get to meet Jesus while he's still little and innocent and clean in heart and mind and spirit!"  He gets to run wildly with open arms and his head held high to embrace Him and receive His embrace.  He's not worried about the years he lived here on earth and how he failed Jesus; disappointed with himself because of his sin and mistakes.  He's not plagued by thoughts of all that he could have done but didn't do for Jesus.  He's not hung-up on his unworthiness.  He's only 4 years old.  He's just thankful to get his new body and ready to be with Jesus! 

I was feeling a bit envious and a little sorry for myself and the fact that I do have all those disappointments and regrets and hang-ups.  Why can't we all run to Jesus with our arms opened wide and our heads held high?  I want that too!  But then Jesus reminded me of what He said in Matthew 18:3:  "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."  And all of the sudden, thinking of Silas, I understood what He meant and I realized that I have definitely NOT been doing that! 

Silas is an innocent little boy but he's also a sinner, unworthy of God's love - we all are.  We are born that way.  But Silas is so young and innocent that He's not over-analyzing God's promises of love and forgiveness and giving us His Righteousness.  He doesn't try to figure it all out and prove it or disprove it in his mind.  He doesn't fret about whether he's going to pass or fail.  He just accepts it as a fact and receives it with excitement and thankfulness.  

With that image in my mind, of Silas running into Jesus' arms, I realize that is how Jesus wants ME to come running to Him as well!  He doesn't want me to come with my head bowed down, in shame and regret; hesitant about approaching Him; hung up on all my regrets about how I lived my life here on earth.  He wants me to be like a child.  While yet a sinner - still innocent and wide-eyed, excited, grateful, accepting and believing in HIM and His promise of love and forgiveness and clothing me with His Righteousness; making all things new and innocent again!  

His incredible grace and mercy is such a HUGE, UNFATHOMABLE GIFT that we find it hard to understand and grasp.  That He can or is willing and desires to take all our sin and failures and mistakes and regrets and make us clean of them all and free us from that bondage and the weight of regret and guilt and give us HIS Righteousness as a gift!  A gift we don't deserve and could never earn - it's just His love-gift to us.  So when God looks at us He doesn't see our unrighteousness; He sees Jesus' Righteousness that covers over our multitude of sin.  That's why He can receive us into His Holy Presence - because we've been forgiven and set free.  

But oh, when will I learn that I don't have to wait until Heaven - while that hope sustains and strengthens me - I have this gift here and now on earth, in my every day life.  I have accepted His gift of salvation and grace and forgiveness and freedom!  So, I don't have to over-analyze and fear and regret because that would be to throw away this precious Gift that Jesus gave me.  That would be like if someone gifted me with the finest meal at the finest restaurant on earth and I just decided to go to McDonald's instead.  

It's completely my choice.  God has already given me the gift.  The ball is in my court.  Do I really believe Him?  Do I accept His Gift - not just in word but in deed?  Do I come to Him like a child - all dizzy-happy in my innocence - that sweet innocence that He gave me - with my arms opened wide and my head held high; running into His arms; loving Him freely and boldly; receiving His love, receiving His forgiveness - His grace and mercy...His Gift of Freedom?  

Do I receive it and LIVE IT... or do I choose to stay in bondage and regret and worry and anxiety and disappointment?  

It's my choice...

...and only I can choose.

My Heart for Turkey

I bet you didn't know that Monday, April 18th, is the Global Day of Prayer for Turkey!  Maybe you wonder why I care so much about Turkey?  It's not my doing, really.  I dare to say it is God's!

My connection with Turkey started when I was 13 years old.  At my church youth group one evening we were told about an opportunity to become pen pals with someone from Turkey and I eagerly signed up.   I was assigned a 14 year old girl named Fatma and I'll never forget how excited I was the first time a letter arrived with a stamp postmarked  from TURKEY!!!  From my perspective at the time, Turkey was a far-away land, on the other side of the world, and I never even dreamed or imagined that I might go there some day. 

I remember in one letter Fatma told me that she hoped one day I could come to Turkey to visit her.  My mom and I just laughed at how absurd that sounded to us!  I remember saying, "Bless her heart, she actually thinks I might go there some day!"  I loved receiving Fatma's letters but it was difficult to understand the broken English and I'm sure it was even harder for her to try to understand my letters.  After about a year the letters ceased and we lost touch.  Even though we weren't corresponding any longer, I still thought of her often and prayed for her.  And Turkey continued to hold a place in my heart as the years passed.

Fast forward 6 years.  I had just turned 20 years old and was on a short-term training program with Mercy Ships on board the M/V Anastasis.  We were sailing through Europe as the ship was on a PR tour, raising funds, donations and personnel for their first African outreach in Togo.  Soon, I learned that there was a possibility that my team would be sent to Turkey for an outreach!  I remember my heart pounding and my mind racing as I immediately thought of Fatma.  I still had the same old address book from back then so I decided to send a postcard to that old address I had, not sure if Fatma and her family still lived there or not.  I wrote a short note telling her that I had never forgotten about her and that I MIGHT be coming to Turkey in a few months and IF I did, I would look for her!  There wasn't much more I could say because at that point I had asolutely no details.  I didn't even know if I would be assigned to the Turkey team or not.  I mailed the postcard from somewhere in Europe and hoped it would find its way to Fatma's hands.

Eventually I was thrilled to find out that I had been assigned to one of the 2 teams that would go to Turkey.  I loved the team I had been designated to and we began our training together and bonded quickly.  We later found out this team would be going to Diyarbakir, in the southeast of Turkey.  At some point in the process we began to hear rumblings that they might switch 2 team members between the two teams.  I just KNEW that they were going to ask ME to switch teams so I started to avoid our school leaders because I didn't want to give them the opportunity to ask me to be the one.  In hindsight I know God was preparing me so that when the time came, I would have the right response.  And, sure enough, one day they popped the question.  Would I switch teams to help accomodate the other team?  Reluctantly, I said that I really didn't want to but was willing if they needed me to do it.  And that's how I got assigned to the team that would go to Eskişehir, in the northwestern part of Turkey, the opposite region of the country!

A few months later, after a short stay in Istanbul, my team and I rode a bus, crossing the Bosphorus Bridge that connects Europe to Asia and several hours later arrived to the city of Eskişehir where we checked into the Hotel Şale.  As we walked into the reception area I noticed a huge, wall-sized map of Turkey on the wall.  I made a bee-line for the map and started looking for Fatma's town.  I had never seen a map of Turkey before that moment and I honestly feel that my eyes were supernaturally guided because in a matter of seconds I found exactly where we were and exactly where Fatma's town was!  Then I looked for Diyarbakir and I felt like I would cry.  All of the sudden I realized that all of the "switching teams" business had been orchestrated by God.  Fatma's town was only about 3 or 4 times closer to Eskişehir on the map than Diyarbakir was!  I realized that if I had gone on the Diyarbakir team as planned, I would have had zero chances of finding Fatma!

The three cities circled from N to S are Istanbul, Eskişehir and Alasehir, the cities I visited in Turkey.

One of my roommates, Angie, in our hotel room.

After we checked-in to the hotel we were famished so we ventured out to find a place to eat.  We had learned in our orientation that Turkey had segregated restaurants (I don't know if this is still true.)  Since restaurant after restaurant that we found was for men only, we had to continue our search for a "family restaurant".  We had noticed there were two guys following us around the whole night and we were a little freaked out by it.  At one point we had walked ourselves into a dead-end and had to turn around to go back the way we had come in and we ran right into these two guys!  Little did we know that they had seen us earlier when we were leaving the hotel and they decided to follow us to see if they could befriend us and practice their English!  Were we ever relieved!  So Hakan and Ergun took us to a family restaurant that night and fast became our friends/hosts/guides in Eskişehir!

Ergun and Hakan on the left and my teammates on the right:
 Tim, Sylvie, Dick, Clara and Angie. 

It was Hakan's birthday and we threw him a little party on top floor of the hotel.

At the movies with Hakan and Ergun.

I soon told Hakan about my quest to find Fatma and he helped me to send a telegram to her old address and day after day I waited to see if there might be a message left for me at the hotel.  After several days with no word I became discouraged and tried to be realistic and told myself not to get my hopes up too high.  One day when I was feeling sad about the whole thing, we walked in to the hotel lobby and the reception guy called me over and gave me a piece of paper with a phone message!  It had Fatma's name and telephone number and a note asking me to come visit her!! 

The guys who worked in Reception at the hotel.

I was ecstatic!  But first I had to get my team leaders permission to leave.  I think I was so naive that it never even dawned on me that they might not let me go!  As a matter of fact, looking back, I can't believe they DID let me go!  I have since talked to them about this and they agreed that although the circumstances seemed absurd, God gave them a great peace about letting me leave the team and travel to see Fatma.  As soon as I could recruit Hakan's help we went to the bus station and he helped me to call Fatma.  I remember hearing her voice answer the phone (I assumed it was her) and I said in a questioning voice, "Fatma?!".  She answered, "Karen?!" and we both squealed for a few seconds and then I had to pass the phone back to Hakan so he could have an actual conversation with her!  So, the two of them worked out the details of the trip, Hakan helped me buy my bus ticket, put me on the bus and told the bus driver where to let me off.


The bus was very nice and comfortable and I felt safe the whole time.  I was on cloud nine, I just couldn't believe that I was really going to see Fatma in person!  About 7 hours or so later the bus pulled off on the side of the road and the bus driver motioned to me that this was my stop.  It was dark already, around 8pm.  I got off into the night, the bus quickly unloaded passengers and luggage and continued on its way and I just waited for someone to claim me.  Finally after everyone had cleared away there was only a young girl and guy standing at a distance so I looked at them with my eyes wide as they shyly approached me and then the squealing and hugging began. "Fatma?!"...."Karen?!"  It was indeed Fatma and her brother, Ali.  From there we took a train for about an hour until we arrived to Fatma's town.  I later found out that there had been a misunderstanding about my arrival time.  They thought I was arriving at 8AM not 8PM...so they had been  there waiting for me the whole day!!  Oh, and by the way, I also found out that she did get the postcard!

Fatma and her brother, Ali.

Sharing a meal with Fatma and her parents.

Special days with Fatma.



I met aunts, uncles, cousins and friends!

 Fatma and her mom.

Fatma's grandma, in the middle...she was a fun and fiesty lady!

I spent that weekend with Fatma and her family and it was a dream-like, surreal experiences that forever marked my life! I will close this story for now but my Turkey story doesn't end here.  There are more stories, special people and memories but at least now you know how it all began!

If you would like to see more photos from my time in Turkey just CLICK HERE.

It Could Be Us Some Day!

Hopefully you noticed that I have a new "widget" over there on the right of the screen...its a weblog from The Voice of the Martyrs giving news updates about the persecuted church around the world. 

The Voice of the Martyrs is a non-profit, inter-denominational Christian organization dedicated to assisting the persecuted church worldwide. VOM was founded in 1967 by Pastor Richard Wurmbrand, who was imprisoned 14 years in Communist Romania for his faith in Christ. His wife, Sabina, was imprisoned for three years. In the 1960s, Richard, Sabina, and their son, Mihai, were ransomed out of Romania and came to the United States. Through their travels, the Wurmbrands spread the message of the atrocities that Christians face in restricted nations, while establishing a network of offices dedicated to assisting the persecuted church. The Voice of the Martyrs continues in this mission around the world today.

I've been reading some of Richard and Sabina Wurmbrand's books over the last few weeks and have been woken up to the reality of the persecuted church that exists around the world today and the fact that we never know when we might find in ourselves in this situation!!

Hebrews 13:3:

Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them;

and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body.

Lent for Beginners

I’ve never practiced Lent before. I’ve never been part of a faith community that practices Lent. I honestly didn’t even know what it was until a couple of years ago when I heard that the folks at North Heights Lutheran in Arden Hills, Minnesota had decided to adopt our clinic project during their celebration of Lent. They gathered over $20,000 dollars that went straight to clinic construction expenses. But that got me curious about this whole Lent thing. So, I asked around and got a basic explanation which abated my curiosity for the time.


Later I would hear off and on about people celebrating Lent and it seemed a quaint tradition. Foreign to my mind yet attractive to my soul. Something, or should I say, Someone, seemed to be calling me to it, drawing me into what it has to offer my thirsty spirit.

Today, like most days, I visited my favorite blog, A Holy Experience, and was surprised to learn that today is the first day of Lent. Again, He is calling my name. This has been a year of new beginnings for me and this time I decide it’s not too late to start…to join in. To practice Lent. All by myself, yet not.

One thing I get is that it’s not about doing it right or wrong, or even necessarily succeeding or failing. It’s about what happens in my heart as a result of the process.

Ann Voskamp says it so well (you can read the whole story HERE):

It is an irrefutable law: one needs to be dispossessed of the possessions that possess — before one can be possessed of God. Let the things of this world fall away so the soul can fall in love with God. God only comes to fill the empty places and kenosis is necessary — to empty the soul to know the filling of God.

“But Lent is teaching me.”My throat stings. “I see how depraved I am. How incapable I am in the flesh, how in bondage I am. That I can’t keep any law perfectly. Worse – oh, this cuts deep — at times…”

I struggle to keep composure, to grip the words and hand them over. Can I even say these words?

“Worse… at times… I don’t even want to keep the law.

Lent’s revealing my depravity, my impotence. The utter death of my flesh. I can do nothing. My Lent convicts: I am a lawbreaker. ” Does the emptying come only when we know how empty we are?

I love Him so much… because His love is the only thing that can save me. This wrestle has made me know it full well. And this failing lent? It is a good Lent because it is preparing me for Easter Joy with the Lent Lament.

I am one of the disciples grieving – a life grieving His absence, a life grieving the black before the light, a life grieving death that will hungrily seize resurrection.

Lent gives me this gift: the deeper I know the pit of my sin, the deeper I’ll drink from the draughts of joy.

Grief is what cultivates the soil for the seeds of joy.

She who knows her sins much, loves much, and the road to heaven is paved with the realization that I deserve hell. His rising will be all my joy, because I know it my bowels: He is all my hope.

So, I’ve decided to take the plunge.  I'm going to celebrate Lent this year.  God has already been speaking to me, showing me these things that get in the way…that come between me and Him…that rob us of our time together. This Lent is a gift…a new opportunity, a fresh start…the push I needed to dive head first into what I already knew I needed to do but was drifting further away from with the passing of each day. It snaps me back to attention, back to reality, back to what God has already been doing in me...back to where he has been trying to guide me from the beginning.

Lent 2011: March 9-April 23

Good, Painful Fruit

This morning, laying in my hammock, looking into the back yard: trees, flowers, doggies, kitties, leaves on the ground and fruit high in the trees.  Praying for a fruitful year.  Praying for fruit.  Good fruit.  Useful fruit. Sweet tasting fruit!

In my back yard fruit bearing brings with it a lot of work, labor and toil.  Grass cutting, leave raking, ground watering, fruit picking, fruit giving, fruit using, fruit freezing, yard cleaning, tree pruning, peeling, juicing, bagging.  Love it!  Hate it!

What will producing spiritual fruit require of me?  What kind of hard work and toil?  Weeding, cleaning, pruning of the heart and mind and habits.  To what point will my self-discipline be stretched and tested and put to use?  Soil needs watering, fertilizing.  Branches need shaping, cutting. 

I ask for fruit.  God asks for fruit.  But good fruit means hard work.  Am I ready?  Am I WILLING?  Do I want it bad enough to labor and toil?  To cut and rake and weed?  To prune and shape?  To allow myself to be picked and cut and cleaned and squeezed and juiced and bagged and freezed and thawed and used and GIVEN AWAY????

Part of me does and part of me doesn't.  But the part that doesn't is tired and weary from fighting and resisting and avoiding.  Questioning.  Doubting.  The part that doesn't wants to give in to the part that does. 

Give in?  Give up?  Let go? Let God?  Will I?  Won't I?

Give in!  Give up!  Let Go!  Let God!

Oh, please help me, God!

What Kind of Southern Girl Am I????

So this was the sad result of my attempt at making biscuits this morning.  They tasted better than they look.  As a matter of fact, on a scale of 1 to 10 Jorge originally gave me an "8".  Until I told him how they were supposed to look.  Then he lowered my score down to a "5".  Still not too bad considering.

I had a few obstacles to overcome right from the beginning.  The recipe calls for buttermilk and self rising flour.  I don't have either so I had to look on-line for recipes on how to make them.  The recipe for buttermilk called for vinegar or lemon juice and I didn't have either one, so I used lime juice.  On top of that the recipe was for 2 dozen biscuits which I really didn't want.  So I cut the recipe in half .  I never did get a consistency that I could roll out so I just blobbed them onto the pan.

I still have hopes of seeing something like this coming out of my oven:

So, I'll keep trying! 

I want to see if some day I can get a "10".   I hope I don't get too fat in the process!

New Year! New Challenges! New Tools!

This year I made pretty much the same resolutions that I've made the last couple of years. For the most part they embrace the spiritual and the physical...reading my Bible more, praying more, flossing my teeth, getting more exercise, and the hard one, getting to bed earlier! But this year is going to be different. I'm actually going to try to accomplish them. This time I have a plan. I have a strategy.

I'm using two new tools that I found on a blog I've been reading lately, A Holy Experience.

The first tool is this:

A plan to memorize the book of Colossians in a year.

You can get all the details HERE! There is a weekly schedule to follow, a group on Facebook for encouragement and lots of tips on how to maximize your memorization skills. It's basically learning 2 new verses each week and reviewing the verses you already memorized the weeks before.

It's not too late to start. I just started yesterday and I'm already caught up! Six verses down so far!

The second tool is this:

A 100 day calendar to help cultivate new and good-for-you habits.

Yes, I love checking things off a list. I'm one of those who will add something I've already done to my "to do" list just so that I can check it off! So this tool is perfect and practical for me! It is a 100 day check off list. So, basically you pick three new habits you want to form and each day, for 100 days you do them, checking them off each day. The idea is that the check list will help motivate and remind you and then once you've done it for 100 days consecutively, well, you should be on your way to having a new habit! You can find out more about it HERE!

I know January is almost over but it's still not too late to make a fresh start!! Make your resolutions and make a plan to see it through!